British Humour is different, as anyone who has had contact with it will readily admit. Those of us lucky enough to have been born and brought up with it, and who have tried using it in other parts of the world, have come to accept that it may generate blank stares, incomprehension and, in some cases, offense. Such are the trials of trying to export any sense of humour outside of your own culture.

     I am publishing this week’s blogs on Christmas Day so I am giving you a respite from any political ruminations, deep philosophical thoughts or anything else that’s serious. Please enjoy the following examples of British Humour, which a close friend sent me some time ago, and again recently. Please pass them around and make someone laugh.

     These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

1.  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old, hateful little bastard, bites!

2. FREE PUPPIES: ½ Cocker Spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbour’s dog.

3.  FREE PUPPIES: Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd, Father is a super dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

4.  COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED: Also 1 gay bull for sale.

5. JOINING NUDIST COLONY: Must sell washer and dryer £100.

6.  WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

7.  SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

8.  STATEMENT OF THE CENTURY: Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker – Billy Connolly: “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

     British children’s humour is also priceless:

1.  TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got there.

2.  TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor. JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

3.  TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?” GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L. TEACHER: No, that’s wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I love this child).

4. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!

5. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

6. TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but he also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

7.  TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say your prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.

8.  TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid).

9.  TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.

     As I said, please pass this around and make someone laugh and, as a final thought, I want to inform you that, due to the current economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

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